so like always i went through and read my older journal entries. i feel like i was the most honest this time around. the year of me is going well. well...now its actually going great! i could bitch about work and how my hours not only suck i still dont make shit there...how i havent gotten a call back from second job. how i'm broke most of the time...BUT i dont need to...thats not what i want to remember. what i want to remember is how much i love my roommates...and how much i love my bestests gf's (megan jo, linds 1 &2) how happy i am for mj and the new love in her life. how i have so much to look forward to over the next week / month / year......

the next week :
- a is coming in tonight to stay til sunday :)
- monday is steelers camp with family in latrobe
- work with m next friday! its been months.

the next month:
- beach with a in 10 days! concert / sunsets / water / makeouts...
- first football game / marching @ iup
- dad's 51st bday :)
- better hours at work

the next year:
- halloween! i need a great sexy costume this year!
- thanksgiving! my 3rd favorite day and the best dinner and conversation of the whole year, i love the woods.
- xmas is aight. but then new years!!! and i will have made it through the whole year of wood, almost unscathed.
- the winter will be cause to save save save (and watch alot of hockey) because then ---
- in the summer of 2010, ima travel across this crazy country! i cannot wait! lets hope i have the funds..

so holy cow. so much awesome..haha. and i think after i return from cross country trip, i'm going to be done with jtown and comfort zone and all that stuff. not that i want to leave m again. i love him...but there are no oppurtunities here for the life i want or the job i want. plus, i'll be freakin 26! i thought a long time ago i would be married with a kid by 26. eeeeep! not to sad about giving up that dream...hahaha. but i'm not making any definant plans for next year just yet. i more than anyone knows how things can change in a heartbeat...let alone during months.

as for now though..in 12 hours i will be back in this very spot only warmer and happier and with bf.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-----------------------------------

this poem makes me cry everytime i read it. it reminds me of so many...including bff and my mom...and past loves...i hope to feel this again with someone. ee cummings, damn you! :P

it has been a good three months since my last post. much has happened since then and i feel the need to write it down someplace. i should write it in my actual journal..and i probably will. but this is just as easy if not easier. so the last entry was written right after evan and i's huge blow out. i refused to his gf and he was pissed that i was stringing him along, which for the record, i wasnt doing. he knew from the beginning i didnt want anything more from him than what i was taking. the next weekend was my birthday. i turned 25. i still can not believe it. it feels really old. but i still feel 18...or 54....i can never tell. anyway, bday weekend was full of drinks and great friends..bowling and shakin my ass. i did miss evan a few times. but i was also really distraced by activities and friends. coreboy came into jtown for the first time since i moved there five years ago. he only got to stay a day but it was really nice having him there.

the weekend after that i spend in dc with megan jo and the girls. that was also another really awesome time. evan and i were speaking again and i got really drunk on something called sailor jerry. i love megan jo and my bdays being close. two weeks of fun. ha.

the next week i worked everyday. one day after i got off work i went to indiana, pa's blockbuster to help do inventory. i made evan come because he had been there before and i didnt know anyone, so i thought it would be nice to have him there. when we got there though and i met all the boys, i started to wish i hadnt braught him. i never wanted him touchin on me or giving me kisses in front of people....i dont totally know why...it wasnt embaressment...or anything like that. i just didnt want him to. i met four guys that night. cory / anthony / travis and mike. cory and anthony worked the night shift right before we started the inventory so they left like 40 minutes after we got there. travis and mike stayed to do the inventory with us. we were there til 4 or so...i liked all the boys except for mike. he was rude and just little annoying. travis seemed nice enough. his flirting kept making evan irritated which in turn made me laugh. so i kept letting him do it. the boys who left after we got there also seemed nice. cory and i hit it off talking about hockey and the upcoming playoffs. he also told me about his band and asked me to come watch. this was sweet, although i wasnt going to go. ha. the other kid was cute, but the boys told me he was in some frat and that was a total turnoff. although i kept thinking he didnt seem like an asshole frat boy.

evan and i got back to jtown late and had breakfast and another fight in the car because i wanted to go in and go to bed and he wanted to be a couple. ha. finally he went home and i went to bed.

while all this was going on i was offered a job with a photography firm. it seemed awesome, until i found out the lady was not totally honest with me and the job turned out to be pretty bogus. but anyway....a few days after the inventory travis called and wanted some help filling boxes and doing pulls at his store. i said i would go and make evan go again because they really needed the help. when we got there it was cory and anthony working again. it was great hanging out with them the whole night. evan kept telling me to stop flirting, but i didnt care. the boys were cute and sweet and didnt know anything about my past...or anything about me at all. that was actually the most awesome thing of all. haha.

by the end of that night i was getting sick of evan. we faught the whole way back again. i did sleep with him a few more times but i think it was because i was still lonely and it would keep him quiet for awhile.

the second or third week in april i found out that the photo job was nothing like what i thought and i went and quit. i was half way to indiana and had marcus call the bb there to see if they could use some help. he called me back and said they could. so i went to iup for the third time in two weeks. this time by myself. and thank goodness i was. i spent about five hours flirting and talking with anthony. i thought he was a senior or older and he sort of told me about his frat..that it wasnt typical. we looked for movies and got alot of work done despite all our talking and flirting. i wore his sweatshirt around when i got cold. he was cute and he smelled good. we all know that smell is huge with me. ha. anyway. i decided to leave when anth left because i didnt know the other guys working, plus i really thought that anthony was going to ask me out on a date. he didnt, but we exchanged gamer tags. i know i know. hilarious. over the next week we played h with my boys every other day...then finally anthony sent me an email that had his phone number in it. and i sent him mine. we texted all day almost everyday after that for a month. it was an awesome way (i found out) to learn about someone. we played a sort of 20 questions that never ended. he was so sweet...and charming. he would send me pictures of flowers and talk all about his day and his friends. i loved it. i was smitten and we hadnt even really spent any time together. we talked on the phone a couple times. it wasnt awkward and i really thought it would be. he kept saying he wanted a chance to hang out with me, and i wanted to see him, too. we made plans for the one weekend i had off and he came into iup. it was easy from the moment i got there til the moment i left. we made out and fooled around and he made a huge dinner and we watched movies....it was just a really great getaway. too bad i came home to crazy evan mess.

that sunday i got home evan showed up..in my bed at three in the morning. on monday i kicked him out and told him i couldnt do it anymore. i wouldnt sleep with him ever again and i went to work. when i got home evan was drunk and messed up. it was the worst night of my life. awful.awful awful. i wont go into details. lets just say, i havent spoken to him since that night and i never expect to talk to him again.

after that blew over i found out we were evicted bc of evan's fiasco. marcus and i had a huge fight and i tried to find us a new house. mike at bloomfield took us in, which was awesome.  more money....but awesome.  all through the rest of may and june i spent working and trying to see anth. he came in and did family stuff with me a few weekends....we went to the dmb concerts and i met some more of his friends. (honestly a great weekend, i feel really happy that he wanted me to go, it was like the 5th thing we talked about was him taking me to that....and he did it) so i guess it will be no surprise that after may and june and now halfway into july, anth and i are officially together. it is sometimes still weird for me to think that drew and i will never be again. but now its more weird bc he was like a habit that i had to break and every now and then i still jones for him. (not in the sex kind of way, sometimes just to be called twig again...or the way we were just so used to each other.)

a huge milestone was when i stopped waking up every day thinking about him. somehow anth was able to snuff him out without even trying to. i'm so used to getting a good morning from anthony that that is all i look forward to. he has not in two and half months not said good morning. that to me is so impressive. 

i should mention that i am in greenville right now. his little bizarro bedford county. no joke. anth grew up in the same place i did..just called something else. that also makes me feel so at home with him.

there are a million more details i could say about him and why i am so all about this and wasnt even close to being all about evan. i am just happy.

"there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave.

you were what i wanted;
i gave what i gave.

i'm not sorry i met you.
i'm not sorry it's over.
i'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

i'm not sorry there's nothing to say."

it's been 6 months. half a year. i still miss him.

i finally cried. deleted some things that should have been deleted a looong time ago. feel so good about it.

got that job.

looking forward to drinking and movies and then family tomorrow!

trying to figure out what i want.

reading back through that last entry i can feel just how lost i am. i usually like to think i put up a pretty good front about everything though. most days are good days. he's been in my dreams lately. the one place i can not control completely and make sure he doesnt come. sometimes i cry at him. sometimes he is just there. sometimes its not him but i know its him anyway.

had a second interview at the one photo place i would never ever actually want to work. i still find myself wanting it so badly. doing something new. anything new. something that he doesnt know about. that isnt touched by him. toob ad its in ebensburg. isnt that ironic.

its getting warmer. this is such good news. i can feel me getting stronger in it. breaking out because of too much chocolate and pop. trying to cut back. some other things are wrong...hopefully they will disappear soon. need a haircut. need my nails done. still nervous about 25. 

wish i could be creative again. i need art classes again. forced commitment to a project to make me work on other ones. 

still not going to be one. hope he understands that i wont always be around. no one will. relationships outside of friendship are useless to me right now. i have no hope for one for me. i want to open up a studio on an island somewhere and relax. 

stupid blockbuster. 

i think i'm starting to forget things. i guess thats a good thing. i keep trying to picture myself in the future. grown up or something. maybe this is why in that one dream i never saw his face. still havent seen his face. 25. i remember getting ready to turn 16. how could that just be yesterday and in two and half weeks i turn a quarter of a centry old. i know if i would have written myself a letter before i turned sixteen to open when i turned 25 it would probably say, "i hope to be married to luke and live somewhere really warm. i hope that i have a great job taking pictures and cropping all day. i'll have graduated school. have traveled the world. baught a vw bug' ( hey i can not account for my taste at 15) i would have said that i would have owned a cat. learned to play guitar. written atleast half if not all of my novel. i remember thinking that i was going to just travel and take pictures...travel and love and take pictures. live in a darkroom with a red light. a world filled with black and white. with music. with luke that year it was drum beats and rasta and funk and zydeco. i felt like i was in new orleans. we drank wine with every meal and danced in the living room. that was back when i still painted. when i created something everyday. when i had years to go before i would mess it all up. years before i realized that i shouldnt have spent any money on an education i never really wanted for me. and now i am fucking bound by that debt to work jobs i hate and run from collections. i no longer have my partner. not luke. that was long gone. but my partner. he's gone. i think about him every single day. i see his car somewhere around 4 times a week. not on purpose, but by horrible horrible chance. is it best to be alone? i dont think so. has it been five months? almost six months? did i even live in 2008? lately i really feel like my heart has been cracked like an egg......................where was this going?

crosses fingers for the job i really really want!

so it always seems like when i settle in to a way things are going to be, something slaps me in the face. i knew i should never have unpacked my books. i should rent a storage space at home and just keep the clothes i need and some movies with me and thats it. something i havent thought about in awhile crept up on me last night and my heart actually hurt. you wouldnt think i would be so stupid again about someone who makes it obvious he doesnt care. but now he has all these choices. i wish i could slap his face again and maybe mean something this time. or do i? i dont even know.

i have turned into quite the lame cliche. girl who doesnt want to be with the good guy, but girl who lusts after totally wrong for her tool. not to mention the ups guy i want to ask out on a date.

still in need of a second job. havent taken pictures in a long time. miss being outside without a coat on. shot a gun last week with little brother. maybe i should be a cop...ha.

hungry.
not just in need of new scenery...in need of a miracle.

not to mention i miss the lake so much.

pittsburgh won the superbowl and i got to be in the city for it! i <3 pgh sooo much!

i watched it at the rex with some 100 or so stillers fans including coreboy, megan jo, ash, joel, rob, zack and jason. it was the most intense game and i was super pumped. core and megs told everyone my last name was wood, so every few seconds i got knocked on. it was hilarious. you know i love attention, that and i also even knock on myself sometimes.

- there was yelling
- megs, ash, and i got in for free
- lunch with kelly and adam at fat heads
- harrison for mvp!
- first down dancin
- mixed drinks and pizza
- walking through a sea of steeler fans
- being picked up and put on the shoulders of one of them
- beautiful weather and an even more beautiful parking spot!
- lots of pictures
- the boss!
- sticking to the budget
- catching up with ash

what a great day/night/game!

more to come.